Gib in a nutshell

This is SO hilarious it deserved a post although I am happy and sane in London!



No further comment needed. All I can say is be prepared for flooding (however do not expect to be able to flush your toilets)

I'm back - Joke!

So I'm back for my annual visit. It's been a year since my last visit and surprisingly some things have actually changed.

I was exceptionally puzzled by the bus waiting outside the aircraft when I landed thinking this must be some new stupid illogical idea someone came up with so they can a) buy an airport bus and b) give someone the job to drive it for the 2 meters from the aircraft to the "terminal".

But to my surprise one was actually needed! We were miles away they are actually building a new airport! I thought to myself maybe there is hope after all…

That was 6 days ago and sadly no there is no hope and nothing has really changed. Ocean Village is already looking old and knackered, the police are still out in the morning to switch off the traffic lights and directing traffic manually. The ambulance service still uses their sirens to pick up coffee and the Gibbos are still the people God forgot.

I am therefore going to leave you with a joke to brighten your otherwise horrendous day in Gib.

Q: Do you know what the Gibraltarians are?
A: Proof that the Arabs did fuck the monkeys.

This is a bit edgy even for me but it was told to me by a Spanish lady who had heard it from a renaissance Giblet so it's going up!

Have fun in the sun whilst it last, I am packing my things and going back to the civilisation.

Gib, Gib, Oh Wonderful Gib!

Dreading the worst this morning but I have been surprisingly ok about being here. I did get a bit on edge when I first saw the lump of stone from the Spanish coast driving in but it's not been all that bad to be back. I know, I know, it is shocking even to me. But then I did not have to walk across the border and I did miss the runway clean (opted for a late start to avoid the border queue) and have yet to come in close contact with a gibbo…

Don't worry I still loathe the place, I mean, I am flushing the toilet with a coffee pot after all!!!

Will be back tomorrow with a day report :)

I'm back!

But only for a very short visit thank god! Will be in Gib approximately 08.45 (just in time for the daily runway clean) on Wednesday for three whole days! I'm sure I'll make some fascinating observations to share here on the blog. Let's hope it smells and rains!

Letter sent to st. John's Ambulance

I would like to know if you have a policy on the use of sirens? It appears to me that the ambulances keep their sirens on whenever they are out on the streets regardless of the emergency of the call. I do not understand why they would need to have their sirens on unless they actually need to get somewhere quick. I very often see ambulances driving at ridiculously slow speed in no rush to get through traffic or indeed get pass other cars on the road. Perhaps the ambulance drivers have become deaf from all those sirens and can no longer hear when they are on. Being in the medicine field you should be aware of the known the effects of loud noise. May I also remind you that there is a school right next to the road where all the ambulances pass to get to and from the hospital and perhaps you should take greater care when passing so not to damage the hearing of the kids.

Why hold back?

There were times when I thought this day would never come, there were times when I thought I couldn't take another second, but the day has finally come, I am leaving Gibraltar. And I mean for good.

Therefore I see no reason why I should hold back my despise for all things Gibraltarian. So far I have respected their ridiculous sense of Gibraltarian pride and have tried to avoid not saying anything upsetting. Which frankly is god damn difficult as anything spoken about Gib coming from the mouth of a non Gibraltarian is taken as a personal offence. But now that I am leaving I do not feel the same precautionary need. I have therefore decided not to hold back. This new not holding back strategy will mostly manifest itself in speaking freely about Gibraltar and share my uncensored view on Gibraltar.

I reckon I will face the most problems when using the fine Gib taxi service; I will be in a confined space and within hearing reach of a most likely very proud Gibraltarian. I look forward with child like excitement to see if I will actually manage to get banned from gib taxi.

I'd like to point out that I am not doing it out of spite, I am doing it for my right to freedom of speech. I have been holding back for too long.

Let's hope they just won’t throw me in jail for disturbing the peace!

Gib on youtube

If you are an easily offended Gibraltarian please look away. If you think Gib should be sold to any country mad enough to want it please be entertained.

Gib on youtube

If you are an easily offended Gibraltarian please look away. If you find easily offended Gibraltarian hilarious please be entertained.

Why do they not teach Spanish in Gib?

In Gibraltar you can walk over to Spain in about ten minutes but it will take you 2 hours and 40 minutes on an over-priced flight to get to the UK. Despite the geographical proximity to Spain Gibraltarians persist to "block" Spanish.

In Gibraltarian schools Spanish lessons starts at the age of 8. There are no Spanish Learning Centres in Gibraltar, and if you Google Spanish Courses Gibraltar, all results will come up with classes on the Costa del Sol.

I find this odd, my personal experience from border cities both on the Finish and Norwegian side of Sweden is that local authorities take proactive steps to ensure the population are proficient in languages on both sides of the border(The Norwegian presence where I used to live was noticeable even though it is 2h from the Norwegian border). They realise the benefits of being able to take part in a wider social scene as well as the economical benefits of a larger market and job opportunities.

The Gibraltarian approach to Spanish (I of course realise it is based on the common notion of the Spanish being smuggling thieving bastards who have ruined their life, however) cause two problems. Firstly the poor butchered version of Spanish kids learn from home in the absence of proper Spanish lessons at school. Not teaching kids proper Spanish in schools from day one of nursery will leave them worse of having to re learn a language later on. Secondly from an economic and social perspective, completely isolating yourself from the surrounding areas by either not knowing the language or using a dialect that is not common (and will put you in a "gibbo" box even on the other side of the border) is just plain dumb.

There is another part of this ignorance of the importance of Spanish and that it the huge business opportunity that is being completely ignored here. A Spanish learning centre should really be mandatory! I cannot think of anyone relocating to this part of the world who wouldn’t at least try to learn the language if lessons were readily available. Stupido.

Why do they have their music on so loud in their cars?

I just happen to have my office next to a very busy intersection in Gib, and since double glazed windows is something that still belongs to the future in this part of the world I have to listen to the traffic all day long. This includes:

- spotty teenage boys with funny haircuts who believe that spotty teenage girl with short skirts and bellies hanging out will find them irresistible if they rev their little moped engines when at the traffic lights
- endless beeping (beeping is something widely used in Gibraltar when passing someone in another car that you know, or someone on the street or when you pass the house of someone you know. Since Gib is a very small place most people know everyone so there is a lot of “hello” beeping. Beeping is also widely used when the police try to help by turning the traffic lights off and start directing it manually)
- endless background music.

I do know that there is such a thing called “cruising”, where sad people with no guidance in their life drive around aimlessly in their ridiculous looking cars playing obscure music extremely loud. But what is going on in Gib isn’t cruising. It is not just teenage boys who have “pimped” their own cars because they can’t get laid who play loud music to show of the ostentatious speakers they have in the back. In Gib you crank up the volume what ever it might be you have in the CD player and who ever you might be, as if everyone in the world shared your taste in music and desperately wanted to hear it. People also generally have their windows rolled down because it’s hot making it impossible for anyone to escape the music they play. This my friends is something of a cultural phenomena I cannot understand.


P.S. If anyone knows the offensive status of “giblets” please enlighten me as I do not want to make the same mistake I did using gibbo…

Why is there no food at Morrison?

It is bad enough that the only choice of supermarket available in Gib is a Morrison (I mean did you ever shop there in the UK?) but when they can't even make sure that there is food in the supermarket (I know crazy idea huh?) no wonder you have to shop in Spain. It is truly fascinating to go to a shop that isn't just low on supply but were the shelves are literally completely empty, not an item in sight. Making sure there isn't food on the shelves must almost be more difficult than making sure that the shelves are stacked. The "how much do we sell, how much do we need to buy" calculations are pretty simple and straight forward, but managing to completely run out of stock in irregular patters now that takes skill. And keeping in line with the lack of reason theory they are now making an extension, expanding a store they can barely keep full at present size.

Oh how I truly enjoyed hearing about the maaaaarvelous Whole Foods Market in Kensington yesterday... just rub it in.

Why I cannot stand Gibraltar

The thing that tips me over the edge is not, contrary to what you might think, the illogical locals, but rather the all overwhelming inconvenience that is attached to everyday life. Let me give an example of how the illogical locals cause complete and utter inconvenience. The last flight to land is the BA flight from Madrid which is set to land at 22.30. That plane is the used for the 8.20 flight to Gatwick the following morning. Flights are sometimes for various reason delayed, which usually causes stress and frustration, sometimes delays can have even bigger consequences for passengers with connecting flights. In Gib however the problem has nothing to do with the airlines it’s the airport. The airport in Gibraltar closes at 23.00 sharp, meaning that if the Madrid flight is more than 30 minutes delayed, they cannot land and have to divert to Malaga. If the plane has to land in Malaga, they flight to Gatwick the following morning is either cancelled or they have to bus all passengers to Malaga and try to take off from there. There are probably restrictions on how late planes can land in residential areas yada yada yada, but what REALLY frustrates me is that when there are bigger consequences they still cannot be even a tiny weenie flexible. One minute past 11 and the plane has to divert. When you cannot rely on catching a flight because the plane might have been diverted the people will choose other options.

This leads me to another dear trait of Gibraltarians I cannot stand – the moaning and whining about everything. Please see a perfect example of moaning and whining from the local press below. The article goes on a bit so I highlighted the best bits, put your capitalistic glasses on and marvel at the unbelievable stupidity expressed by some who have yet to realise the wonders of capitalism...

Ocean Village Under Fire Following Crass Attack On Opposition
Main Street traders fear loss of business
Nurtured by a Government which apparently regards any bricks, glass and mortar shaped into luxury high-rise blocks or other homes for the wealthy as tangible proof of economic success and progress, in recent years Gibraltar’s developers have wallowed in an El dorado of partisan favours. Though there have been official decisions limiting their requests for planning permission on various projects these have been mere token gestures and developers have admitted to VOX that they apply for more than they actually want, on the understanding that two-thirds of their requests will be approved. And, as a series of GSD manifesto promises to provide affordable homes for Gibraltarians are shunted into a Neverland limbo by metaphorical bulldozer blades from Europort and No 6 to make way for them, it should surprise no-one that the developers have come to believe that the Rock is their domain and that their requirements are paramount.
It is against this background that the latest clash between the GSLP/Liberal Opposition and multi-millionaire developer Greg Butcher’s Ocean Village has erupted, the angry flames of confrontation fanned by a remarkably insensitive and unnecessarily offensive press release issued by Butcher’s management team. The release – in response to an Opposition statement expressing concern about the possible impact of Ocean Village on trade in Main Street – not only rode roughshod over local sensitivities but gratuitously introduced, by implication, the age of Opposition leader Joe Bossano. The concerns of Main Street retailers whom the Opposition rightly decided to champion are probably exaggerated – particularly as the many designer name boutiques which Butcher claims to have attracted to his waterfront shops remain anonymous and open to doubt. Several of those same local retailers have attempted to secure franchises and outlets in the Ocean Village complex, VOX has learned; while others have invested in the new apartments…not only as possible homes (as and when they can move in!) but as speculative deals. So there may be an element of hypocrisy among some of the protesters. Nevertheless, the surprising cack-handedness with which Ocean Village has replied to the genuine concerns of Main Street traders suggests that Butcher and his team should re-think their PR strategy. In a statement issued on Monday the Opposition said it had received representations from traders concerned that the completed Ocean Village development would have a negative impact on business in Main Street. “It is understood that one of the aims of the project is to provide an all-in-one shopping and eating experience for tourists which will involve specifically targeting coach passengers,” the statement said. “This follows a further application for planning permission by the Ocean Village group for the construction of commercial premises with residential on top on the site of an existing car showroom at Waterport. The location of the proposed development is known as CP1301 and 1301A. “The businesses that will set up in the new commercial development, in addition to those setting up in the other premises that already exist, will probably enjoy exemption from trade licensing. If that were the case, existing traders will have little or no notice of what businesses intend to set up in the area or of what products they intend to sell. Moreover, it is clear that the location is in a direct line from the access into Gibraltar by coach and cruise tourists.”
COACH NUMBERS DROP
It stresses the Opposition’s long term concerns about the continuing drop in numbers of coaches and coach visitors number of coaches that come to Gibraltar. In 2000, 14,763 coaches came into Gibraltar - an average of 1,230 a month. The 9,522 coaches that came to Gibraltar last year, compares very unfavourably with the 2000 figure. In 2006 the average was 794 coaches a month. “In fact, the number of tourist coaches coming into Gibraltar has fallen every year since 2000 and the latest figures show that they continue to fall. The inability of the Government to tackle this problem reflects the lack of importance which they seem attach to it, and means that the existing coach tourist cake is getting smaller, and that the plan now is for this smaller cake to be shared between more businesses,” the statement added.
“If this were not bad enough, it is obvious from statements made by Ocean Village that the objective is for coach tourists to use the boardwalk that has been constructed behind Watergardens to access the commercial facilities in that area. This means, for example, that a proportion of tourists who presently walk in front of Watergardens, and past the commercial premises there, will now be encouraged to walk behind Watergardens so avoiding the existing businesses.
“There is a place for new commercial developments, but care must be taken to protect established traders who have been doing business in Gibraltar for many years. The Government, through their control over the planning process, have shown little or no interest in protecting those people who have been the backbone of the commercial economy of Gibraltar over so many years,” the Opposition said.. Ocean Village’s response was cavalier, suggesting that for many years parts of the waterfront area have been inaccessible to “the people of Gibraltar”… After all Sheppard’s repair area was private and Watergarden’s waterfront quay is private. “Surely we all agree it’s a wonderful idea too for Gibraltar’s waterfront to be opened up to each and everyone allowing us all to enjoy that romantic sunset walk by the water with our loved one or that healthy early morning jog?” the developer’s statement continued in a sort of “Womans Own” slushiness that will have set many readers’ teeth on edge.
NEW PEDESTRIAN ACCESS
“One of the accepted aims of Ocean Village was to give back that waterside access to all of us. Imagine new pedestrian access from the new Sport’s Centre adjacent to the airport, right along the Marina Bay marina, past Tradewinds and right along Ocean Village then in front of Watergarden’s and straight to a new entrance by the Fuel Stations. Ocean Village including its restaurants and shops will be open 7-days a week and the Second Phase will open directly facing into wonderful Casemates Square and beyond into Main Street. This means visitors will be able to see the start of Casemates and through the signage be directed into the much larger number of shops of Main Street,” it claimed. Despite the flowery language – which may pull wool over HNWI eyes already adorned with rose-tinted spectacles but cuts little ice with cynical down-to-earth Gibraltarians – Butcher and his team might have got away with it. But then came the PR gaffe of the year, if not the decade: “The opposition were a bit forgetful (they’re getting old) and forgot to call us”, the statement continues with slick effrontery, “otherwise we would have told them that it’s a wonderful aim to open up the waterside to all and to allow people to flow easily into and then out of the area of the marinas and the more people enjoy the views the more they will want to return and that means more coaches will come. What enhances Gibraltar ultimately benefits all, including its retailers.” The beauty of those stunning western sunsets over the Bay of Gibraltar seen from the waterside will become more available to be experienced and enjoyed by all. It was a statement which did Butcher and his team a disservice and the Opposition was swift to respond pointing out that its florid prose would “not serve to allay the concerns of traders in Main Street who are worried about the competition” that the development will bring. “The latest Tourist Expenditure figures released by the Government show that the expenditure in Gibraltar by tourists from Spain actually went down last year from what it had been in 2005. Excursionists from Spain spent £ 167 million in Gibraltar on 2006, and they spent £169 million in 2005.
PROVISION OF EXTRA SHOPS
“In other words, contrary to what Ocean Village has said, the evidence available indicates that the provision of extra shops and restaurants does not necessarily lead to an increase in expenditure by tourists from Spain. Indeed, the Government figures show that excursionists from Spain spent £ 160 million in 1996, when compared to £ 167 million ten years later in 2006. This increase of just over 4 per cent in ten years is a decrease in real terms and when inflation over that decade is taken into account. It is obvious that the same cake is being shared between more businesses.” Ocean Village may believe that “they are doing something so different that they will not attract customers away from existing businesses”. However, this remained to be tested. “The evidence over the past ten years is that all that will happen is that customers will shift from one part of Gibraltar to another,” the Opposition statement continues. “For example, when the coach park was located in the Queensway area, it is well known that traders at the southern end of Main Street were doing better. The move of the coach park to its present location meant that businesses in the northern end of Main Street did better, but this was at the expense of those at the southern end. The opening of the restaurants in Casemates had the same effect on restaurants elsewhere in town. “Therefore on the basis of past evidence, traders in Main Street and elsewhere have every reason to be concerned.
GIBRALTAR BELONGS TO ITS PEOPLE
“The impression that Ocean Village give in their statement is that they are being very generous and kind-hearted by sharing THEIR waterfront with the people of Gibraltar. This is a very distorted idea of whose country this is, who the soil of Gibraltar belongs to, and who is the guest. The developers must learn that all of Gibraltar belongs to its people including the waterfront, and that it is not that Gibraltar is in Ocean Village but rather that Ocean Village is in Gibraltar. In any case, sunsets and waterfronts have existed here since time immemorial, long before Ocean Village appeared on the scene. “The notion that more people will want to come to Gibraltar by coach because they will be able to walk through from the back of Watergardens to Marina Bay is completely absurd. Tourists come to Gibraltar to see its rich history, heritage, the Upper Rock and to shop. It is well known that the shopping time that is available after taking a Rock Tour is very limited, and Main Street traders have often complained that day trippers do not spend enough time there. “It is perfectly logical to assume that the shops and cafes in Ocean Village will compete with those in Main Street and elsewhere, given that there are a limited number of tourists with a limited number of hours and minutes of time to spend in Gibraltar. This is why the concern exists. “It is well known that Ocean Village and its associated companies already own a large part of Gibraltar, through purchases and through planning permission and tenders granted by the Government. However, they should realise that they do not own the Opposition and we will remain free to express our own views, and those of our constituents, on development and other issues as it is our duty and our obligation to do as Parliamentarians.”

Another type of moaning can be found in the interviews for this years Miss Gibraltar, if you can be bother check out the ‘what do you least like about Gib’ parts…http://www.vox.gi/Entertainment/Miss_Gibraltar_Contestants_2007.html
(the obsession with beauty pageants is another why question I doubt I’ll ever find the answer to, I have a few ideas myself but they are far two rude to post… but if you do fancy some good old pageants you have Miss Gib, Miss Glamour, Model Search, Dream Girl, Miss Mediterranean and few other to choose from)

Since they are moaning I will moan a bit more and share the last thing about Gibraltar that I cannot stand is the constant waste of opportunity and development that does not seem to occur to the locals. They seem to be completely oblivious to the fact that if you want to change things for the better and make Gibraltar more appealing to be people, and prosperous YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I am not sure if it is because they blame the Spanish for everything that things like this doesn’t occur to them before it becomes a problem…
http://www.vox.gi/Local/The%20Apes%20Our%20New%20Symbols%20of%20Shame.html?PHPSESSID=93397d6d50caab58afc6584867b28a88

Why is there traffic queues at the border?

The border queues and the traffic jams are exceptional at the moment. It can take about 1 and a half to go about two kilometers. The Gibraltar Chronicle's take on this and the reasons for it is this:

The real story behind the frontier delays
AIRPORT ACTIVITY AND TRAFFIC VOLUME RESPONSIBLE FOR QUEUES, SAYS EXPERT
Traffic queues have made an unwelcome reappearance at the frontier in recent weeks provoking much criticism from the general public. Motorists have experienced delays of over an hour and a half to cross into La Linea - an experience that is always frustrating but becomes even more unpleasant at the height of summer. However according to a local expert who has vast experience in the subject matter, there is a straightforward and non-political explanation for frontier delays, namely the huge volume of traffic coming into Gibraltar during the summer months, and the fact that the Rock's main entry and exit road doubles as an airport causing inevitable traffic congestion when flights are landing or taking off.

no shit sherlock! This article was brought to my attention by an ex co worker who planned on writing a letter to the paper questioning this "expert" who claims traffic is to blame for the traffic... Exceptionally funny. A local expert with vast experience...

I believe part of the problem can be found later on in the article:

"The Progressive Democratic Party note the recent increase of extensive frontier queues. It is unacceptable that these should be there in the first place. It is well-known that Spain turns queues off and on almost as easily as a tap of water on the back of an administrative whim. It is easy to find excuses such as volume of traffic or manning levels but the reality is that citizens suffer and that Spain can, if it really wished to, resolve the situation in a more decisive and permanent way."

The problem isn't the Spanish, it is the Gibraltarian attitude towards the Spanish, blaming them for everything! Everything that is wrong in Gib is either the direct cause of the Spanish or the fact that the border was closed for years. But if the traffic problem is completely up to the Spanish then why is there traffic going IN to Gib as well? Have they ever considered the fact that it might be due to the fact that during school terms, the people queuing in in the morning are mostly mums on school runs, who will drive out during the day. Now there is no queue in the morning to people who would normally park in Spain drive in meaning that everyone that drive in to Gib drive out at the same time when they finish work...

IT'S TRAFFIC PEOPLE NOT BRAIN SURGERY!

My opionion on the border issue is that it is a load of bollocks. It's not exactly a conflict on the same scale as the freaking Gaza strip! GET OVER IT! Come get on with it! So what Spain wants Gib back? Do what you can to show them how silly it would be for one EU member state to give a pretty much independent territory to another member state?! Come on. UK don’t give a shit about you. Sort out your VAT and become full members of the EU on your own.

Why do Gib cabs charge so much extra?

My first major faux pas in gib was in relation to just this. They drive around in huge 7 seater vans and charge you an additional quid if you are more than two people?! And they charge you extra if you have any bags! Hilarious. What is less hilarious are the cabbies who have fixed their meter… see their rate starts at £2.40, you are then charged 15p per minute or 200m whichever comes first, HOWEVER in some cabs it more 15p per 15 seconds, or they’ll have their own exchange rates if you pay in euro, usually €2 to the pound. Lovely. And then of course charging you two rates if you decide to go to the border with someone also waiting in the queue. It was the extra passenger charge that led me to call the cabbie a gibbo – I believe my exact words were: you gibbos do know how to over charge. Wonder why no one likes them...

Saw a pathetic sign today for bicycle week… I’m not sure who is behind this clever idea, but they sure don’t know that much about human behaviour. No one is going to start cycling for ONE WEEK only because of some pathetic sign. And if you’re trying to get more overweight polluting locals to take the bike instead of the car it probably will take a lot more than “bicycle week”. However applying the lack of reason law they all seem to apply it might just work wonders for the traffic…

There is a brilliant clip on youtube where someone calls up the Gib gov and wants to speak to Curana, claiming to be Tony Blair telling them Gordon Brown is selling Gib to the Americans :)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=MqckNjzSVLU

Why are there "street perfomers" in Gib?

Why on earth should you give someone money for standing still wearing a sheet?! You might as well sit down get a take away coffee mug and write "hungry and homeless" in charcoal on a piece of carton, because there is NO WAY i am going to "pay" to be entertained by a muppet standing freaking still! I know there are people in many cities doing the living statue thing all over the world, and they are all equally stupid. But walking down that famous street in Florence with dozens of living statutes in fantastic and inventive costumes who actually do some sort of street art when they get some money, is slightly different from walking down mainstreet and there is a dumbass wearing a sheet standing somewhat still and will get into a new position if he gets a quid... The thing in Gib is us non tourists get to know these irritating people (not personally of course but you see them hanging around day after day) and the two worst ones are: The guy with the ukulele outside Marks & Spencers, he sings annoying tunes badly and will always try and cheer you up when you walk by saying some stupid comment. Secondly (haven't seem him for a while though thank god!) is the living statue guy wearing that stupid tie and briefcase, he's annoying not only because he's trying to stand still for money, but because you see him walking around in his stupid costume! Today there was a guy with a bongo drum and a girl doing some sort of contemporary dance bullshit in casemates. I danced for 6-7 years and I did contemporary, jazz, ballet, hiphop mostly everything. I'm not saying I'm a great dancer but i get dance. The reason this one was particularly annoying is because she would walk around "getting into character" mostly walk but then suddenly make a little jump or a pirouette or throw her hands into the air, i hate that pretentious bullshit! Just dance or stop moving. And all this only to start doing some strange belly-dancing-Beyonce-booty-shake, IN TRACKSUIT BOTTOMS! Call that street/performance art?! It seems (not surprisingly) that Gib attracts the worst performers in the world.